You said “yes” to your partner popping the question, and now the wedding you have dreamed of is about to become a reality! But this can only happen if you stick to the wedding you want and not planning a wedding that everyone in your family wants.
Why is it hard to say no?
Simple, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I get that setting boundaries can be challenging. If you feel that the only way your family will love and accept you is if you make them happy, then maybe it’s time to dig a little deeper and learn that it is okay to set healthy boundaries and that your worth is not solely based on how you make other people feel.
Yikes, was that too straight forward? Probably, but identifying this part of yourself and being able to improve on how you view yourself, will not only benefit you in the long run, but also your relationship.
Be sure to check out this recent blog I wrote that focuses on How to Stop Being a People Pleaser.
Practice saying “No”
As mentioned above, this can be challenging, especially if you believe that by saying “no” you are a mean person. Trust me, you are not and there are ways to say “no” in a nice and polite way.
Here are some examples:
* “Thank you so much for that suggestion, but I have already decided to do…”
* “That’s a great idea; however, we really loved this other … and decided to go with that.”
* “I do remember you doing that at your wedding, we want to incorporate this instead.”
Notice that these examples acknowledge the message that you are receiving but still setting a boundary. Being mindful of your town of voice and non-verbal’s can also play a role in how your message is received.
If you were to say, “Ewww why you would recommend that, that is so stupid, I would never do that.” Well, that will come across as mean, and you may fall into a self-fulfilling prophecy if other people then think you are mean after that.
Make decisions with your partner
I get that planning a wedding requires many big decisions and it’s great to have someone making those decisions with you. The first option will be to choose your partner to help make those decisions.
There are a few stipulations to this though:
1. Your partner wants to want to make decisions for the wedding, this cannot be forced. But it’s their day as much as it is yours, just like the life and marriage you’re planning after your wedding day.
2. If your partner is choosing to opt out of the decision making process, ask your maid of honor, best friend, sister, mom, or someone who will be in your corner to support you and not play devil’s advocate all the time or take control.
3. If you are not paying for the wedding, ask whoever is paying for the wedding if they have any expectations for the big day and if they would like to help in any of the wedding planning.
Stay grounded when wedding planning
Sometimes saying “no” and thinking of what you want can be new. If it is or if this is challenging here are some tips to help you stay grounded and intentional.
* Before meeting with a vendor or making a decision, ask yourself “am I doing this because this is what I/we want or because this will make someone else happy?”
* Remind yourself that you deserve to be happy and to have the wedding of your dreams (assuming other logistics such as budget are taken into consideration)
* Remind yourself that your worth is not based on how people will feel at your wedding.
I hope these tips were helpful in planning your wedding and NOT your family’s wedding.
If you are interested in additional resources to assist in your communication with your partner, be sure to check this out:
By Priscilla Rodriguez, M.S., LMFT, Owner of Modern Wellness Counseling
Priscilla specializes in working with engaged couples and helps them learn the strategic tools needed so that they can be on the same page throughout every chapter of their lives.